i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
