I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
