maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
