I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize