Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize