I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
