God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
