you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Randomize
