He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
