Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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