Betty ford says i'm here all night
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
