If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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