I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
So apparently I’m into choking now
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
