My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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