It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
How external is "for external use only"?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
