I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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