Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
