I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
