All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
