I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize