he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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