Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
