You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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