you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
