Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
