We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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