i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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