you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
