i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
