Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
