omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
