I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
