hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
