So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Don't tell me you're on acid again
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
