two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
