And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
