is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
i think i have two assholes
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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