Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
