Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
