yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
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