Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
