life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
My vagina just recognized that song.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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