what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
