Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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