Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize