I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I just googled if crying burns calories
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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