I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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