Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize