Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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