got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize