i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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