Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
