Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
