he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
