It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Randomize
