He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
