Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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