My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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