he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize